one way to a nervous breakdown

housing in new york is hard. trust me, the tears that went into this search. for a city that has so many people, it sure doesn't want you to stay.

it's a mess of brokers, realtors, fees, applications, documents. it's roommate hunts and auditions, listing priorities and deciding what you can live without. it's rewiring your entire brain to think that, yeah, 1000 square feet at $3200 a month is a steal of a deal. it's suddenly thinking about things like crime rates and laundromats and ward boundaries. it's location location location. or maybe affordability is king. it's considering commutes and public transportation. it's thinking about how many groceries up how many flights of stairs. it's finding a group of people to live with based solely on shared desperation to not be homeless, and getting to know them only later. it's feeling very far away from home and suddenly looking down at a twelve page contract being asked to sign and finally realizing...

this is home.

and signing that year lease?

it's settling, maybe. and dancing on this precipice of justifying or ignoring that fact. because it's hard, this limbo of not being settled. and you jump at what you're handed because housing goes fast and roommates are hard to come by and pleasing everyone to the point of actually signing is nigh impossible.

then, suddenly, it's having to furnish a whole apartment. sign up for internet. decide whether or not to pay for air conditioning for the next few weeks just because this heat wave makes winter seem a lifetime away. and it's splitting costs and fees and rent between strangers, just hoping they don't somehow leave you hanging out to dry.

it's wondering where you buy a broom in the city. it's wondering how you fit a mattress in your room. it's realizing how much walmart meant to you only now that it's gone. it's having to consider how you get what you want--a desk, a bookshelf, a curtain rod--from point a to point b, and if you can carry it yourself or if you should just shell out $50 for delivery.

it's enough to drive a person crazy. and so you go a little crazy.

maybe more than a little.

but then...it's done. i guess i'm a new yorker now.

and that's what's really crazy.