Tuesday, February 24, 2015

one year in

i've been at my job for a year now. a whole year. eighteen months in new york punctuated by one entire year of real, grown-up employment. i really can't believe it.

i don't know whether to be silly, excited, or serious about it. is it really that big a deal? probably not. but i think so! i mean, i have a job -- a dream job -- in a city i love, living a life i can't get over, and doing things i never thought i'd be able or want to do. i have a life that's all mine. it's not college, it's not family, it's not part-time work or just something to pay the bills. this job is something i sought out and worked for and fought for. and this year has been chock-full of experiences i've only been able to have because of this job.

so that deserves some attention, right?

i remember when i first moved to the city -- eighteen months ago (which is another crazy story) -- and i started looking for a job, i was terrified of what real employment would be like. college does not prepare you for anything (imho). or at least my english major didn't. i've had some sort of job since i was sixteen, but obviously it was never a career. and the thought of transitioning from part-time, mediocre work to a real career with a real title and real responsibilities terrified me.

but it's been wonderful. and now it's been a year. a whole year! cannot compute.
my boss gave me flowers. so i guess i'm not the only one who thinks it's a day worth remembering.
i thought i should wear the same outfit i wore on my first day-- just a cute nod to my "roots," a little something for me -- but i can't remember what it was. i can't remember what desk i sat at or what i did that first day. i can't remember where we ordered lunch from or what we talked about or who all was there. i can't remember if that was the day i finally realized the empire state building was right there or if it was a week later. but i do remember smiling. i remember laughing. i remember being so shaky, so energetic, so nervous and excited and thrilled. because i felt so lucky.

and that has yet to stop.

sure, i have bad days and boring days and hard days and tired days. some days i'm listless and some days i'm frantic. but at the end of every day, i can honestly say i'm so happy to be where i am. because -- and this is going to be a humble brag -- no matter how hard or meaningless, awesome or basic, cool or casual, the fact remains that i work in new york city at a dream job with people who support me and challenge me and believe in me enough to make me believe in myself. i write and read and talk. i plan and organize and manage. i have inside jokes and office traditions. i get paychecks and bonuses and vacation days. i have a desk and i have business cards. it's a crazy grown up world that i often feel ill-equipped for. and yet i love it.
books on books on books. just the way i like it.
i don't know if a year is really a valid marker. there was a lot that happened but a lot that didn't change. it just flew by. i'm in shock, most of my coworkers don't believe it, and even my boss forgot until a calendar reminder popped up. because it feels too fast. and yet it also feels so comfortable. like i've been here forever.

there's a rhythm to it now. i'm still learning and definitely still growing, but i feel so comfortable in my own skin and in my position here. and that's what makes me so excited about this year mark. time doesn't always mean a lot to me. i often forget how old i am and i sometimes still write 2013 on my checks. but a year is -- and sorry if you already know this -- 365 days of memories and moments, dots in the Seurat painting that is my life.

so maybe a year doesn't really matter. i'm sure the anniversary will lose its charm as time goes on. i'll probably forget a lot of details about this one year. but right now i'm just very glad to have it. and i'm very glad to have this job at levine greenberg rostan. because i couldn't imagine a better fit. and because i got a year to my life i literally couldn't have imagined better. and because i surround myself with things that excite me all day erry day. and because -- and this is important -- i run this mother.
*cue the awwws and waterworks*

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

living through hell

winter is the worst. anyone who tells you differently is straight trippin. let's be honest. there's nothing good about it. the magic of the first snow fall is dead and gone and all we're left with is ugly coats, static hair, salty boots, cracked lips, and that uncomfortable feeling of being freezing and sweaty all at once.

winter blows.

and i hate it. loathe it. bemoan it. in utah, you could never hear the end of it. i would drone on and on and on and on and on about how awful winter was. is. and i remember swearing to never move somewhere cold because I HATE WINTER.

well, here i am in the worst winter of my life (followed closely by last year) and yet...i can't even be mad.

why you ask? what miracle happened that i could be stuck in a frozen hellscape where i've felt ice grip my very soul; where i've stumbled home with wet feet too many times to count; where my fingers are constantly frozen and my toes are always numb; where i get caught in a wind tunnel down some avenue and it's so cold i can't breathe--when i go through all that, why am i not just hightailing south somewhere for a new, inevitably warmer adventure?

it's a pretty easy question to answer.

there's this.

and this.

oh, and this.

and i'm like

yeah. new york has changed me. i still hate the cold and i still whine and whimper about it (case in point). but unlike utah where i cursed and clamored to get out, i'm sitting here kind of cold and kind of hot watching the sun set over the empire state building. and, well, there it is.

so when people ask how i can stand these east coast winters, first know that i can't (wherefore art thou spring?) but then just take a moment and realize...nothing in new york will ever truly break me down, because...and here's the kicker...i'm in new york. who gets to say that?

well, almost 9 million people.

but i'm one of them! and i couldn't be happier*
*unless it was 83 degrees and sunny. then i'd be ecstatic. but that's beside the point.

so in the words of the only song that really gets it, "new york, i love it when you're mean."