exposition.

as you all (should) know by now, i got a job. and it's basically the greatest news of my life. and i still can't believe it. seriously. i'll just be walking around doing my thing thinking about some stuff...and then it suddenly hits me. just a quick thought: "you're employed!" and then i bust up giggling and grinning, still starry-eyed and excited about it. i got a job!!!

three reasons why this is amazing. 

one. it's been almost six months since i packed up and moved out here. on august 17, 2013, i bought my one-way ticket to new york. and on august 31, 2013, i landed in new york (well, jersey. but we won't count that). i knew it would be hard seeing as i had no plans, knew absolutely no one, and had nothing set up. but my cousin, mitch, helped me out with his "Find Your First Real Job" program (seriously. it changed everything) and i got to crackin' down on that job hunt.

turns out, six months is a long time to be unemployed. i can't even tell you how many jobs i applied to, how many resumes i sent in. i can tell you i was rejected post-interview ten times. which might not seem like a lot, maybe, but it hurts...putting yourself out there and being told you're just not good enough (don't even get me started on that one). i mean, this job itself required three interviews and i was so tired and worried and nervous and anxious, along with all other similar words that, as i was recounting all this to a friend, i collapsed to the ground and began bemoaning my entire existence.

it was not a pretty moment.

but, six months later, and i'm employed! not only that, but it's a job i'm excited about and already in love with. which brings us to point two.

two. throughout this--shall we say, journey, people wondered (with good reason) why i didn't just give in and get a filler job, something to bring in the money, keep me a little more sane than unemployment was allowing. but, turns out, i am stubborn. because i knew what i wanted and i am of the opinion that life is too short to settle. so, sure, my options were very limited. and, so, yeah, i went a little crazy, got a little restless, spent a lot of time in a slight panic. but...it all worked out. i got my dream job. and how many people get to say that?

so what is it? i'll start next week working as an assistant to a couple of agents at the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency. i may be biased now, but it's basically the greatest place on earth. it's an adorable office in midtown just about twenty minutes from my house (thank you!) and they represent a variety of titles/authors, as you can see. i'll be working primarily with an agent representing high commercial/womens fiction ("book club" stuff) and i'll be in an office with some of the nicest, jubilant, coolest people i've ever met.

i mean, you know you hit the motherload when EVERYONE in the office calls or emails to congratulate and welcome you, AND you get invited to a company potluck before the ink even hits the paper.

can someone say #winning

and the final reason?

three. i have a job. in new york. like...i'm actually stuck here, living here. people have been calling this my "nyc adventure," as if it will soon end, nothing more than a blip on my lost years as a young adult still merely playing at life. well, to them i now offer a respectable "suck it" because, ahem, i have a job. in new york !!!

it makes me feel all grownup. like i've put down roots, staked my claim, started my life. and it's all going down here, in the city that never sleeps, where my life motto of "MORE MONEY MORE DONUTS" can actually play out. and that's amazing to me.

so. to recap? i have a job. a dream job. in my dream city.

life is looking pretty good. so can we just look back at this year horoscope that is freakishly spot on for me? i mean, i don't believe in horoscopes, and i know a lot of them are so general anyone can relate. but this (and this isn't even the detailed part!)--it blew my mind and just...i want to relish in it for a moment.

You've certainly learned the art of releasing control in 2013. You've been letting go of so many things -- from material possessions to antiquated concepts around values and security. Whereas 2013 may have felt cloudy and confusing around your life's purpose, 2014 brings you one opportunity after the next to truly live out your dream and actually make money doing it.

ah, sweet, sweet vindication.

so it happened.

sometimes life is a hard thing. we can feel so much. frustration, stress, anxiety, worry, fear, hopelessness. the whole world stacks against you and you wonder, again and again, if maybe you're after the wrong things, dreaming the wrong dreams, fighting the wrong fights. sometimes, you feel like you just can't win. and sometimes you can't.

but.

i'm here to tell you...it gets better.



BECAUSE I GOT A JOB!!!

I just...can't put into words.

so, for your consideration...

this is me right now.

but i guess that won't cut it for you curious folk. so, i mean, the way it went down was. they're all like "we think you're the bees knees." and i was all...

and then they said they'd love to hire me. what! so i went full freakout mode on them. because #hello 

and life was pretty much perfect. like insert-perky-dance perfect. because, one, it isn't just a dream. and, two, it is a dream come true!!! 

(see what i did there?)

the details are pretty exciting and will be forthcoming, i promise. but i just--i cannot even process all that. 

so just let me bask. let me bask in the beautiful moment and savor every beautiful thing. because i, after six months of desperation--i got a job! a dream job! and that's all that matters. 

needless to say...i'm feeling pretty good. 

(insert chest bump.)

my love life right now.

buzzfeed just gets me.

I mean...uhh, happy valentines?

hear me roar

so i've been thinking a little bit. and we all know that gets me into trouble sometimes. but i wanted to share something that's really important to me, and i'm trying to make sense of it. so just be warned: things are about to get real.

there's a quote from a chinese philosopher that says "he who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened." and i think that's true. it's easy to understand other people more than ourselves because i think people are scared of facing themselves alone, out of the context of the world and these expectations society has for us to live up to. it's easy to measure out your life based on accepted successes. graduating high school. getting into college. finding a career. starting a family. life is a series of lists to check off, goals to strive for. we're so caught up in trying to live a predetermined life, we sometimes forget to consider our individuality.

because it's scary going off book. it's scary having to think beyond the what and instead consider the why. it is much easier to go through the motions of a long-trod path instead of looking up to see where you want to go, who you want to be. after all, we're creatures of habit. we sometimes do things without thinking because, hey, it's exhausting having to be the one forging ahead. but the reality is...life isn't a blue print. there isn't one set path or one right destiny.

we live in these shadows of expectation and norms. we limit ourselves and our desires if they don't fit into these preconceived notions of what it is to be happy, to be successful. throughout our lives there's a lot of talk about measuring up. but to what? what is this line we draw, positioning it at different points to make sure we don't cross it? what are these fences we build, to keep life contained and manageable and comfortable? what is this scale we always carry to measure people up against?

i'm not a good enough mormon. a good enough writer. a good enough woman. a good enough lover. a good enough worker.

i guess i'm just tired of being told i'm never good enough because i'm over here wondering...enough what?

the singer Janelle Monae said something amazing once. and i think it bears repeating.

Perfection is the enemy of greatness. Embrace what makes you unique, even if it makes others uncomfortable.

and i think that's true. we shouldn't be perfect; there isn't one ideal. and the question of being enough? i don't need to be enough; i need to be me.

gone are the days of waiting to be told i'm pretty enough, talented enough, good enough. i don't need permission. i'm not seeking validation. i won't fit an easy mold. life is complicated, so it makes sense every soul then is a mess of complications too. we can pretend we have it figured out. we can throw around stuff about gender roles as an excuse to limit ourselves or believe less in ourselves. we can validate our comfort zones with talk of proven methods and spiritual ideals.

when i was a girl, i thought i needed validation. i needed to be assured and reassured. i needed to play along, to fit in, to be normal and accepted. i sought after a norm. because that's what we think life is--a journey of inevitability. play the game. go through the motions to get to the end. do things the proper way and you'll make it out alive.

(always with a curious emphasis on making a life rather than living one.)

and i was always unhappy. i was always scared of my own shadow. i didn't know me. the person i carried inside and the person i tried to portray didn't match up. i had no idea how to justify how i was feeling. so i stayed quiet. and i got angry. and bitter and selfish and desperate. and even though i was doing everything "right," i was unhappy. because i wasn't honoring me.

how vain, how silly, how strange to think we have it all figured out. in our limited scope, our small experience, we think society or history or tradition has unlocked the secret to a happy life, a successful life, a proper life. but that's a joke. because i may not be enough anything for this world, but i am me. and that is enough.

i am loud and outspoken. i have thoughts and dreams and opinions that will not be silenced.
i will not listen when i'm told i am not enough, that maybe if i tried this thing i would be happier, or if i thought this way life will work out easier.
i am passionate and i am emotional. i am empowered, and that is not a crime.

i will not wait for someone's stamp of approval, or someone's okay to feel or do or think something or anything. i do not need babied, nor do i need protected.

i will smile when someone tries to soften the blow, when they think news of their opinion of me is something i have to brace against. 

i am comfortable with who i am and where i stand with God. that is what matters to me, and culture will never define that relationship for me. 

i will demand respect, but i will never need approval. my feelings are mine, and I am capable of protecting and honoring them myself.
i am flawed and imperfect, and i will continue to grow and change for me, but, still, i am enough.
i am strong and i am an individual. my thoughts are my own. my desires and dreams, no matter how different, are still valid.
i will rock the boat. i will challenge the status quo. i will ruffle feathers. i will do what makes me happy, what makes me fulfilled, what makes me me, and i will do it without apology.

to be a woman is a powerful thing. and i won't be made to feel ashamed of or limited by any part of it. and don't worry; i know i am imperfect, and this isn't meant to toot my own horn. but i am grateful to know myself. i am grateful to feel enlightened. and i think, most of all, i am grateful for the chance to live life. for me.

my life is the greatest.

i'm gonna be honest. life has been pretty bad this year. so far. that is to say i've been caught in the doldrums. 

you know. where everything gets you down because nothing feels right and it's so easy to think your whole life and all you feel about it can be contained in one depressingly breathless run-on sentence? just one of those months I suppose. I blame the cold. and the holiday hangovers. and the unemployment. and the draining bank account. and the student loans suddenly due. and...did I mention unemployment? 

but. the thing is, even with all that, i made a decision: life is beautiful. and I'm gonna be grateful. because let's be real, my life is...brilliant. 

one. i live in new york. i don't know if you know this, but this is the greatest city in the world. 

I was practically giddy the other day when I took a cab over the brooklyn bridge and just watched the sun melt through the buildings as the avenues chased right up to the waters. and i looked back over at the city and just smiled, because it's my city. 

and the skyline is gorgeous.

two. it may be freezing cold, and I may be permanently chilled. but I have the most amazing coat (thanks, ma and pops) and it really changes everything. who knew dressing for the weather actually works? no matter that I look part bear part sleeping bag in my coat; anyone who doesn't is a tourist, and tourists are the worst. 

three. I am obsessed with food and thus I am happy here. everything is better in New York. and I mean everything. 

well, except their Mexican food. that hasn't really translated. and nothing can ever beat the brilliance of a cafe rio enchilada-style burrito. mmm. 

four. I can have absolutely nothing to say and still post nonsense blogs that are a million times cooler than anything I could have dreamed of saying back in Utah. because, you know, the New York thing (New York > everything). but also the whole chasing-my-dream-and-bucking-logic-or-general-preparedness-because-I'm-young-and-wild-and-free. 

that's how we do. 

also, fun story time : I hailed a cab the other. effortlessly, i might add. only, some girl up the street was like "oh no! excuse me. no. that's mine." and she literally ran me down, wagging her manicured nails as she gripped her shopping bags on fifth avenue. she stole my cab. and I just rolled my eyes, backing off (only whispering some nasty sentiments under my breath) and let her have it. because I raised my hand again, and another cab came careening across traffic for me. 

this, I think, proves I'm a New Yorker. which is a pretty great thing to be. so I'll take the cold and the poverty and the unemployment--I'm livin the dream, baby! and I'm loving it. 

baddah buh buh bumm. 

a little late on the uptake

(spoilers will follow. just so you know.)

i really don't like animated movies. especially in recent years. the only ones that managed to impress me probably in the last decade were Finding Nemo and The Incredibles. this was because, hello, they were/are hilarious. and clever. and original. and fun. and i can just watch/quote them over and over. meanwhile, i hated Up, Brave, Cars, Tangled, Wall-E, The Princess and the Frog--pretty much anything animated and/or for children. it just felt more of the same (tangled) or just way too out there (up) and i just...yeah. so much vitriol. that i couldn't even explain.

so when i saw disney had plans to release another princess movie--called Frozen--i rolled my eyes and swore i would never see it. because disneyland is getting way too crowded with these uninspired and unoriginal princesses flouncing about. plus, let's be honest, the trailers for frozen sucked. seriously, the worst ever.

but then it was getting some talk on the feminist front. which i didn't really buy into at first because people thought tangled and the princess and the frog were feminist and, while i appreciate the effort, those didn't really hit home for me in any meaningful way. mostly because they were so cookie-cutter disney with the meet-cute's muddled with disdain, quirky/awkward leads who still needed a boyfriend to feel fulfilled, and the penultimate true love kiss right before...marriage. marriage after mere days.

ah, there's the rub.

but i did what any self-respecting movie aficionado without interest in actually seeing the movie does: i read the spoilers. and when i liked what i read, i youtube'd it. and i watched the clip of Idina Menzel's character belting out--quite beautifully, i might add--"Let It Go." and while my inner feminist purred, the inner child gasped at just how pretty the animation was.

so then i went. and...i loved it. so i saw it again. and i bought the soundtrack. and i tell everyone to watch it. and i gladly defend it to anyone who will listen. because i think it's so good.

regardless of structure, script, or characterization--which i think is all impressive--i just think it's so good that there's a story out there that's so utterly unromantic. where love is more charitable than starry-eyed; where the men are mere side characters [warning: some language] rendered relatively useless to the true heroes' transformations; where two women with completely different personalities and desires have to discover and decide who they'll be.

and where disney makes fun of itself in such a subtle, clever, self-aware way that finally sheds the archaic, traditional tropes.

honestly, in the beginning, it's everything you think a disney movie will be. parents die, girls blossom into beautiful princesses, and one of them prays to meet a perfect prince to sweep her off her feet. and when she does, it all happens in one sweet-as-cotton-candy ditty that is just everything disney (while still being clever).

but then the story shifts. because as anna tries to tie the bow on her happily ever after with the expected marriage to the charming and pleasantly perfect Hans, her sister says uh...no. because contrary to disney tradition, love doesn't happen in one song over one night. and neither sister takes that well, so off elsa storms (literally. as she sends the entire country into an icy winter) and anna rushes after her. a part empowering in and of itself since most princesses simper for at least a while until being told what to do. but anna charges fearlessly forward, meets another guy, kristoff, whom she interacts with with easy determination. and when she explains what set elsa off, she gets an earful about how infatuation isn't love, and how love is much...more.

sure, throughout the movie, anna is a bit bumbling, easily excitable, and a very naive girl who thinks, you know, merely talking to her sister will fix things, and that it's her business to tell people (or snow monsters) that it's not nice to throw things. she's usually a little slow on the uptake. pretty much...to the bitter end. but that's what is so great about her as a character: she's human. you know, flawed. this is a girl who doesn't quite know how to understand emotion, having been kept locked up in the palace with only her cold (literally) sister and her ever-fearful parents. who then...die. she has no idea what it is to be excited (or if it's merely gassy) and so she can't be expected to understand love or appreciate the layers of it. but the beautiful thing is, she learns. and she keeps trying to learn. so, eventually, she does. mostly thanks to her good ole snowman friend, olaf.

people discount olaf as the comedic relief. which he is, and adorably so. but i think he's also a representation of the girl's innocence, a literal reincarnation of their childhood joy. and he becomes the source on what love is exactly because he understands it from that childlike perspective. where it's not selfish or calculated, but just...pure. without ulterior motive. so when he says kristoff loved her enough to leave her forever, anna doesn't first understand because anna's never loved like that before--or at least she doesn't realize she has. love to her is loud, boisterous dance numbers at fancy balls where the champagne flows and the chocolate keeps on coming.

yeah, try again, anna.

but the thing is, even when olaf tells her kristoff loves her, it's still a very simple kind of love. so when olaf sees kristoff racing back and he ruefully declares "I guess he didn't love you enough to disappear forever" there's truth to that too. because even though anna goes racing after him, and him to her, i don't think had she chosen him on the ice that it would have worked.

true love's kiss? please, that's so 1937. 

in that moment, the only person anna loved--the only one she knew enough to love--was her sister, elsa. because she'd been swept up in mere infatuation with hans, and she'd categorized kristoff as only a friend. she hadn't had time to reexamine those feelings or that understanding. so, really, it was only elsa that she loved. and that's why she turned to save her on the ice. and that's what saved her. and that's why it saved elsa.

and that's why frozen is awesome.

also, it didn't end in a wedding. props to them for avoiding that one entirely. in fact, it only had a wonderfully, realistically, adorably awkward first kiss that was kind of an afterthought for these two friends tiptoeing shyly--and carefully--into new territory. one that has kristoff asking rather than just assuming he can kiss her. thank you. they're still figuring things out, and that's okay. in fact, it's completely irrelevant to the real story: which is about two women finding themselves and each other. so the last shot of the film focuses on the two sisters ice skating together, each celebrating their own version of freedom (from fear and oppression), as they're chased about by olaf, the representation of innocence and the memory of unadulterated love between two sisters.

too much? maybe. but i love it. and i think it's worth talking about and reading into because, yes, surface level it's a fun, funny, clever film that everyone can engage in. but there's also depth to it. and a conscious effort on the filmmakers' part, i think, to step out from the shadow of traditional disney romances. they do break new ground, but they do it in a subtle, natural, silly way so you're not left rolling your eyes at the obviousness of their ulterior motive.

(i'm looking at you, wall-e.)

so go see it. or don't. i probably will again. and i'll keep "let it go" on repeat. oh, and i'll watch this about a thousand more times because there's nothing more adorable than a bunch of girls singing a princess song that has nothing to do with wanting anything more than to be themselves. just saying.

the ramblings of the self-aggrandizing

going into the new year, i figure i'll catalogue my current favorites. off the cuff. completely on a whim. with no prior thought put into it, i swear. this is legit.

favorite color
green...no, blue...no--agghhh!!!

just kidding. right this second, i'm feeling a really perfect mint--right between tiffany blue and that robin's egg.

favorite actress
shailene woodley. i can't begin to describe how obsessed i am with her. the spectacular now, not my favorite movie. but she was gorgeous in it. in a totally real way. and the descendants? it killed me. and the fact that she was chosen to star in the fault in our stars--and that poster!--i'm just all sorts of sunshine about her.

favorite recent movie
frozen. which is weird considering my previous stance on animated flicks (which was...they all suck). but this was adorably, wonderfully, refreshingly feminist and altogether empowering. it didn't end in a wedding! it made fun of one-day/true love romances! it was about family and sisters! and there was no stupid potty humor--i mean, not that i'm a prude over jokes about dogs peeing on something/one they shouldn't, but...they're cheap jokes. and they're overdone. as if kids these days aren't smart enough to appreciate subtlety and, you know, actual wit. but frozen--i saw it twice. twice! and i'm singing it under my breath, talking about it, pontificating about it with anyone who has seen it and pushing it on pretty much everyone who hasn't. so. there's that.

honorable mention also goes to catching fire (hunger games 2) which absolutely, no questions asked, blew my my mind. and i just watched the way way back and i just want to watch it again and again.

favorite recent book
i haven't read a lot recently. mostly because life is hectic and i'm dirt poor. but i loved this short story by john green in the christmas book Let It Snow. his contribution was "A Cheertastic Christmas Miracle" and it quickly and wryly proved once again that john green is a master. and i'll buy into whatever he tells me.

favorite tv show
i watch a lot of tv (like...it's ridiculous), but a lot of it's been boring and i've cut a lot of it out. but the one show to pick up? scandal. that show is mind-blowing. it's not for the faint of heart, and it practically runs on melodrama. but it is so well written and insanely well acted. ...and it inspires the overzealous use of adjectives in describing it.

favorite actor
i'd usually say ryan gosling, cuz he's gorgeous. and talented., of course. but this year I'd be more likely to lean towards leonardo dicaprio who just rocked the world with his recent dedication to really good filmmaking (though the poor guy still doesn't have an oscar). but can i just say i've really been far more impressed with the women in the industry?

I mean, not to go all full-blown feminist, but let's go all full-blown feminist. 

i watched a series of full length interviews from The Hollywood Reporter, one with the oscar-nominated women, and one with comedy actresses. they're over an hour long each, but i was enthralled watching them in their entirety because...they're just awesome. and i love how vocal these women are about being women and being okay with it. i love that we're over this idea of always having to talk about the struggles of living in a man's world. now, when these women mention it, it's just to point out how baller they are. and they are pretty baller.  

except anne hathaway...who really is helplessly irritating. (just kidding. ...but seriously).

dream vacation spot
i want to go to amsterdam for some reason. maybe the fault in our stars. maybe i'll blame love taza. but maybe it's just this wanderlust itch that's drawn to those waffles and canals. but i really just want to go anywhere. turkey. vietnam. istanbul. rome. belgium. barcelona. greece. egypt.

i think i recognize i'm young and free, and if i were to ever do something it should be now. plus, i mean, i live in one of the busiest international travel hubs and going practically anywhere is fast and cheap, and it's enough of a temptation to send me checking for travel deals pretty regularly.

most anticipated film
godzilla. like, please, take my money now. and it comes out in may. aka the greatest month of the year. aka my birthday month. aka may couldn't get any better...but it just did.

number one goal
getting a job. please and thank you.

life's motto
something like "I hate to admit it, but those kids got it right even if it's the most annoying phrase in the human language: yolo." because i'm all about seizing the day, relishing in moments, being aware of any and every chance to live. i'm tired of coasting and just going through the motions. i want to feel and be and experience and do. life is already too short and too hard to trust anyone else to tell you how to live it. limitations are for the lazy. expectations are for the uninspired. live for yourself, but in the least selfish way possible.

that's how i'm feeling anyway. and i think it's a pretty good feeling. i also read my horoscope for the year (thank you very much, Yahoo), and i'm feeling good about things (only half serious). but, hey, with mars and venus or whatever on my side, i think it will be a good year. and attitude's half the fight, right?

i mean, in the immutable words of one hannah montana, life's what you make it so let's make it rock.

#truth